Kid Critic
Cindy’s Story
In watching my two boys cope with each other over the years, I have found that many times the child without Autism can lose their voice. I have two boys ages 13 and 16, the youngest of which has Autism and the many diagnoses that come hand in hand with the disorder. My oldest son is very patient and understanding most of the time and he is extremely cognizant of the different triggers that affect his brother.
I feel that I am very fortunate since my oldest son has always been easy going and never demanded much attention. This is a good thing, as my youngest son was officially diagnosed with Autism at age seven. From the time that he was fours years old, we knew something was not right, but doctors would tell us that his “tics” were “just nervous habits and nothing to be concerned over.” This began the journey to reevaluation after reevaluation to determine if it was more than a “nervous habit.”
During this time all efforts were focused on my youngest son. We went from specialist to specialist and attended 2-3 hour evaluations. My oldest son never complained during this time and never begrudged his brother due to all of the attention that he was receiving. When I look back now, I know when my oldest was feeling neglected. Even though I always made time for both of my boys with special days, where I would take a day off work and spend with only one of them so we had one on one time together, I see now that my oldest son would fade into the background. He would say the rights things. Like, “that’s okay Mom, I know you need to take care of him and he needs you right now,” or “The appointment is more important and we will have plenty of time another day Mom.” But, now when I look back I can see when he was disappointed and felt that he was not as “important” as his brother.
It is difficult for a sibling of a child with any disorder to cope with the every day details that must be attended to for the child with the disorder. When a child has high functioning Autism, I think it is even more difficult for the sibling. A high functioning Autistic person is very bright and quick. They come off as demanding, impatient and they get in your space as they need to make sure you are paying attention to there needs and they are all that matters at that moment. They can sometimes have difficulty understanding that everything is not about them. It is important to give the child without
the disorder a “voice.” The child without the disorder needs to know that they have an opinion and it will be listened to and their request will be followed through. Even, if this means the Autistic child will get upset.
Children that live with an Autistic sibling are very special if they can put their immediate needs aside and be supportive and aware of the Autistic child’s needs. But, the parents need to govern the situation, so that it does not all become about the Autistic child’s needs and wants, or the child without the disorder will feel the parents do not respect their wants and/or needs and they will feel unloved. They will either rebel or withdraw.
You have to give equal time to both children. This is easier said than done. I think the reason I was fortunate to have such an understanding sibling, is due to the fact that I kept my unaffected son aware of the things that his Autistic brother was experiencing from how he “saw” the world. Once my older son understood why his brother felt the way he did, it was easier to accept the things that he did. Many times my older son steps in and tries to stop the trigger from setting his younger brother off into a meltdown episode.
I cannot imagine the difficulties that a child goes through when living with a child on the spectrum. There are the so many different emotions that they have to deal with. Just some of the situations include the embarrassment due to the sibling in front of their peers, the constant counselors in and out of their household, and the many doctor’s appointments that must be attended by both parents. Not to mention the fact that I saw many opportunities passed up by my older son as he felt it unfair to participate when his younger brother could not. It would limit them from doing many of the normal things in the span of growing up, due to feeling guilty about the Autistic child not being able to participate.
I was very fortunate to have such an understanding son who buffered for his Autistic sibling. Many times he would consider how his younger brother would react and would request restaurants or activities so that would not upset his Autistic sibling and still give him a sense of control over the situations. I still saw the situations when the child without the disorder would feel he needed to compensate for his Autistic brother. Many times, he would become down and withdrawn from a lack of attention or control over the situation. But, most times, he would become protective and considerate of his brother’s situation because he learned that it was not a choice that his brother lived with and I think if he could help him cope, just a little and make his brother feel that he fit in, he was up for the challenge.
Written by Cindy Ciccozzi
